Living without boundaries so there is nothing there to protect you!

 I struggle a lot with loving others, doing for others. Being there for others, and allowing others to do the same for me. My fear is rejection and I pray everyday I can get past that. In hindsight “no” isn’t the worst outcome. But being so deep in and not having your energy matched in any situation breaks hearts. I struggle with this in almost every aspect of my life. Being in my late 30s I never thought I’d let it get me this deep in. It’s hurting me. It’s drowning me. It’s killing me. And I can’t shake it. I accept so much from people that shouldn’t even get a hello from me. I let people treat me so bad and I convince myself that if I’m good to them, if I’m there for them, if I’m always available my love can change them. But what happens when the objective for them was never love? What if it wasn’t even like? 

Right now I am in therapy, I want to be able to let go before I hate you. I want to be able to stand up for myself…… I want to walk away the first time, at the first red flag, the first sign that you don’t like me. I don’t want to buy anyone any more…. Not their love, not their like, not their loyalty…… I don’t want anything. I just want to love me and be free. 

I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to be dependable, I don’t want to be available, I don’t want to be easy, I don’t want to buy love or trust or friendships, familyships, relationships, I want to keep my mind and my sanity, my love and I just want to heal. 

I’ve learned throughout this whole situation that I lack boundaries! In every area of my life from family to love I don’t have any rules, walls, boarders in place to protect myself. I just let anyone do anything and I accept it. I’m literally okay with things, people, triggers, feelings, situations, EVERYTHING I’m not okay with….. out of fear or losing something or someone Ive never had. 

Even though being this way breaks me I need asked God to change me. I pray that he just change the people around me Even the ones that share the same blood as me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

God allowed it BUT He did not ORDAIN it!

 Just because God “allowed” something to happen in your life does not mean he ordained it. It don’t mean it was apart of his plan for you or your life. Sometime we move to fast and go and take things into our own hands and many times God will ALLOW it but don’t blame him because no one said it was ORDAINED by him. He allows free will even when it’s not written by him.  When we make a move or decision that don’t fit our lives sometimes we must step back and ask ourselves was this allowed because I wasn’t listening or was this ordained because it’s part of God’s plan? Listening to God, not going ahead of him and not taking matters into our own hands will help us know the difference!  We may see this a lot with promises from God. Sometimes we get so excited and impatient we try to Go Ahead of God and jumpstart a promise from God and mess things up. Now as a promise it’s yours, it will happen, because God said it and he shall not lie but again just because he allowed you to m...
Read more

Everyone Must Go! Maybe even friends and family.

  As you get older you began to appreciate quality over quantity. Especially when it comes to things/situation like friends/family & support.   Compare your friendships from 10 years ago to now. See a big change in them? 10 years ago I was surround by many "friends" who only deserved the "associate" title.  Please understand that there is beauty, peace and humbleness in the process of losing people. Especially people that's not around you to help you grow  💕 . You may have heard the saying "look around, if you're always losing people then the problem may just be you." And for so long I looked at that with a negative connotation. But if you dig deeper there is beauty in rearranging it the people you allow into your space. As you grow and began to blossom as a person, lover, and or a friend your circle should also blossom with you. Dead leaves/branches must be cut so you can continue to grow and bloom beautifully. Some of the people that need to...
Read more