Mom Guilt

 Many people talk about a lot of things but mom guilt is something that is rare, if ever talked about.

According to betterup.com Mom guilt — or mommy guilt — is  feelings of guilt women experience in relation to their kids. Mom guilt comes from an unrealistic ideal of a perfect mom.

This isn't talked about enough because I feel like everyone, including the expecting mother, expect mothers to just wake up delivery day and be this perfect mom, or a mom period. Mom Guilt can come after birthing any child. Not just the first child. 

I myself experienced mom guilt when my daughter was a few months old and I decided I was ready to get back out there and go out for girls night. Leaving Kam at a young was very much needed being as though I was a new mom but I felt like I should have been spending every second,

Minute, hour with her being as though I am her mother. I didn't realize until later that no matter where I am I am still considered "a mom". As Kam is growing older I still experience mom guilt but in a different way. Now that I am more comfortable with going out to a show, concert or for a drink without feeling guilty I now experience mom guilt when shopping. I feel like I shouldn't buy myself anything or do anything for myself unless I do something for Kam, even if she don't need anything. I often find myself talking myself out of buying myself a $10 shirt but instead spending $300 buying Kam clothes and shoes after already buying Kam clothes and shoes. 

Mom guilt don't only come from within but it can also come from people around you. 

Mom guilt can be widely recognized as a mother beating herself up about decisions she's making, where she feel as though it's not reflecting her being a PERFECT MOM. But mom bullying and bashing can also contribute tremendously to mom guilt. 

We've all heard the saying "parenting doesn't come with a handbook" and even though we all know this some people still "mom shame" a mother for not parenting in a way they believed should. Now please understand an opinion on parenting and abuse is two totally different things. Someone that is not adequately taking care of their children and the proper authorities should be called is different from you personally feeling like a mom don't hold the baby right, or make enough money, or feel like the child bedtime is not what they feel like it should. Personal opinions and feeling like the way you raised a child is better than someone else can contribute to mom guilt. We all should know that what works for one mother may not work for another. Many women are doing the best they can with the mental capacity they have. Most are quick to Judge without thinking about the mental consequences it may have on someone. 

New moms may experience mom guilt when they can't figure out why their baby is crying, when their newborn won't latch on when making the decision to breast feed, or when not being able to produce enough milk. Moms may feel like they should be able to produce and feed their baby "easily", they should know their baby and why he or she is constantly crying. Mom guilt with new moms may also just come with a fear of making a mistake even if what they may consider a mistake isn't really a mistake. 

Another example of mom guilt, which Ive experienced heavy,

Is feeling like I didn't choose the correct co-parent for my child. I had the heaviest load of mom guilt when Kam's dad and I were going through a nasty court battle. It took about a year for me to realize I can't punish myself for someone else's behavior. 

Mom guilt look different for each mother. If you are not a mother but find yourself judging a mother based on how you were raised or how you've seen other mothers parent please stop. Offer to help that mother. Offer a conversation, find out what that mother maybe struggling with and how you can help. You never know how the mother you are judging is feeling or the amount of mom guilt they are already experiencing associated with being a mother. 

You could also commend her on the things she is doing right, just being a mother, getting up everyday and not giving up, deserves recognition, especially to a struggling mother. 

If you are a mom or a woman period that finds themselves judging other mothers or comparing parenting, please stop! It was something I went through when Kam was a newborn. I had a very close friend competing instead of encouraging and looking back I can still remember, in depth how that made me feel. 

It really takes a village. So if you are a mother and you feel another mother could be doing better or needing help please help her and don't judge her because mom guilt is a real thing! 

Lastly, I'm here to tell you that as long as no physical, mental or verbal abuse is involved getting up every single day with a vow to protect, love, and cherish your child is amazing and steps towards being an amazing mother. As long as you are giving it your all and doing your best you should not drown yourself in mom guilt. As a mother, we should all understand that there will be many times when something we did, didn't do, said, or making a decision leads our mind to feeling less than as a mother. And as cliche as it sounds there is no Manuel to being a mother. Every child and house hood is different. what may seem like a breeze to one can be unbearable another but please find that one person you can talk to, vent to, and or get advice from. When you feel guilt for anything, not being about to afford something, or being frustrated at your child's behaviors, not having help, wanting a break, wanting to do something for yourself, not knowing why your baby or toddler is crying, not being able to get your baby to latch on, wanting some me time away from your child, being a single parent, or going out for drinks or dinner without your child, any thing that make you feel less than or that you are not capable of being a mother, try to counter act those thoughts with positive feelings and thoughts. Began to think about all the things you do right as a mother. Also, try to Never make your list of "Super Mommy"

Based on someone else's definition. Praise yourself for all the chains you've broken as a mother, for all the things you've accomplished as a mother and to get your child here, acknowledge the times you did sacrifice yourself, your clothes from the mall, that make up you really need, those  curlers you were ready to buy, those shoes you put back to buy your child something, All the money you've saved, being a provider, being loving, caring, and understanding are all ingredients needed to successfully parent a child. 

I know it's better said than done but please understand that mom guilt is normal but also there are no commandment written or unwritten on the perfect parent because the perfect parent don't exist. Being a real parent, A loving parent, one that makes sacrifices does exist.

Have you ever experienced mom guilt? If so what was it about? How did you handle it? Did you go to someone for advice? Did someone bully you or cause your mom guilt? Do you feel this is common? Can you suggest any ways we can help mothers understand how normal it is and what can be done to overcome it. 

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